Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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