The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Randomize
