So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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