i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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