Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
