The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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