im about as happy as oj after his trial
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
