I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
