So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
