Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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