We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
