am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
