I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
