five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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