Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
