He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
