what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
