Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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