My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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