he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
