Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
