So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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