a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
