Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize