Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
