I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
