the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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