im six kinds of drunk right now
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
