please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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