dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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