His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
