Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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