Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
