you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
