I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
