She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
