The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
