Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I deserve this hangover.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
