Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize