Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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