I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
