Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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