you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
