My underwear smells like fireworks.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
