Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
you had me at cake vodka
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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