I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
