I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
