every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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