4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
