i was born a porn star she said
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
