Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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