dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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