Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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