He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
