I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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