I wish my penis had an off switch
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
