I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
