Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
