dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
