News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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