i already hear my dad disowning me
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
