I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
God gave him joint rollers for hands
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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